How to Talk to Difficult People

The Insulter and Belittler

People with this toxic personality trait use phrases and words that cause pain, doing things like:

• Disparaging your intelligence (“I can’t believe you even thought that.”)
• Making a patronizing, dismissive remark (“Nice of you to show up.”)
• Offending you to make a joke (“I’m just joking!”)

How to handle it:

Option 1: Make them say it again.

It may seem counterintuitive, but I assure you, it works. After their insult or belittling comment, ask them to repeat it.

• “Can you repeat that?”
• “I need you to say that again.”

People insult you to get a reaction. They’re looking for a hit of dopamine from your response. But when you ask them to repeat it, you take all the fun out of it. The words feel almost too silly to say again. Instead, the person tends to either adjust or edit their response, or walk it back altogether. Best of all, you stay grounded and unfazed.

Option 2: Go silent for 5-7 seconds.

Say nothing. Oftentimes, in the quiet of your silence the other person hears their words echo back to them. They extended themselves and now feel overexposed when you refuse to give their words something to grab onto. Most of the time, your silence will cause them to either preemptively apologize or rephrase their words to more reasonable, less insulting ones.

Option 3: Ask a question of intent.

• “Did you want that to embarrass me?”
• “Did you intend for that to hurt me?”
• “Did you mean that to sound short/rude/offensive?” (works well for email)

Your question is focused on the motivation of their hurtful remark, again exposing the true nature of the situation. Most of the time, people aren’t willing to admit they wanted to cause pain, and these questions force them to clarify the purpose of their words, keeping you in a position of control.

The Interrupter and Talker-Over

Talking to someone who interrupts you or dominates the conversation can be one of the most frustrating parts of trying to communicate. These people tend to:

• Jump in to share their own thoughts before you’ve even finished yours
• Cut into the middle of your sentence while you pitch an idea
• Talk without taking a breath so no one else can contribute at the meeting

How to handle it:

The first time they interrupt, let it go. Let them keep talking. If they felt what they had to say was so important, odds are they weren’t going to listen to you anyway. And some people who are neurodivergent need that runway to get out a thought. Better to let someone interrupt you than cut them off with, “Excuse me?! I was talking!” Oof. That escalates the situation, and you don’t want that.

If the person interrupts again, say their name. People react to their name the way dogs react to a whistle. Our ears perk up and we want to pay attention. Next, use a phrase that aligns their need to be heard with your need to finish, phrases like:

• “Doug, I can’t hear you when you interrupt me.”
• “Linda, I can’t hear you when you talk over me.”

By using their name, you’re signaling that if they want you to listen to what they have to say, they’re going to need to wait.

The Always-Has-To-Be-Right

You know the type. Everything they say is pure gold (in their eyes). Every idea they have is the only, and best, idea anyone at the meeting could have. This type of person finds every and any reason to put your thought down and elevate their own.

How to handle it:

It’s hard to be around someone who always has to be right. If you find yourself getting nowhere in a conversation with them, try asking one of these questions:

• “What information would you need to change your mind?”
• “What would you need to hear to have a different opinion?”

These questions will show you whether the person is merely holding their belief out of conviction, stubbornness, or ignorance. It also reveals their level of emotional intelligence in being able and open to changing their mind if given different information. And if their answer is “no” or “none,” you know this person will remain a dead end.

The Passive Aggressor

Passive-aggressive comments tend to come out of a place of unvoiced expectation or frustration. Rather than being direct and going through the front door, people with this personality trait prefer to go through the fire escape—never saying what they truly mean and leaving you to figure it out. Look for comments like this:

• “Must be nice to have all that free time.”
• “Nice of you to care for once.”

How to handle it:

Don’t make the mistake of trying to meet passive aggression with active aggression, like calling them out or making an equally disrespectful comment. That will only make them clam up even more. Instead, try some of these responses:

• “Sounds like there’s more to that.”
• “Seems like you have a reason for saying that.”
• “Should I read into that?”

These responses indicate you’re opening the door for them to say more; you’re allowing them the chance to release their pent-up frustration or expectation. You’re also making sure they know their passivity didn’t go unnoticed, and chances are, they’re going to think twice before trying to sneak a passive-aggressive comment past you again.

The Gaslighter

Gaslighting is someone’s attempt to have you question your reality, experience, or perception. There’s a difference between gaslighting and lying. Lying is attempting to divert truth (e.g., “I didn’t eat the cookie.”), whereas gaslighting is attempting to force you to doubt your reality (e.g., “There was never a cookie”). If you’ve ever walked away from a conversation thinking to yourself, Am I crazy?, chances are you were being gaslit. Here are some common phrases of gaslighters:

• “You just don’t remember correctly.”
• “You’re making this up.”
• “That never happened.” (when you know it did)

How to handle it:

When this happens, anchor yourself. Rather than trying to convince them your memory or perception is valid, it’s better to remain true to your own memory and stay grounded.

• “I remember things differently.”
• “That wasn’t my experience.”

Calmly repeat these words as often as needed until the other person realizes that you won’t be moved off your own truth. You’re not pushing back or accusing. You’re only sticking to your reality.

The Narcissist

It sometimes takes a while to realize you’re talking to someone with a narcissistic personality. You keep thinking that if you could just explain something to them, they would understand why what they said or did was wrong, they’d apologize, and everything would all be okay. In reality, the interaction is more like a carnival game. It looks beatable. It looks straightforward. But it’s not. It’s rigged.

No matter how well you explain or how empathic of an approach you take, the narcissist will twist it back to you for another round of “you never …” and “you always …” When you get put in this position, remember you’re playing a game of praise or provoke.

How to handle it:

Option 1: Don’t engage.

If you don’t want to get cut by their words, don’t put your energy within reach. The key here is to give short, neutral phrases:

• “Noted.”
• “That’s good to know.”
• “I get it.”
• “I can see that.”

Option 2: Rein in your expectations.

That is, don’t look to receive something the other person is incapable of giving. If you’re looking for validation, whether it’s respect, empathy, or even basic decency, you’re going to be disappointed. People cannot give you what they cannot give to themselves. So reinvest your energy elsewhere. Detach yourself by recognizing that their words are their projections and not your reality.

The One-Upper

This trait is a personal pet peeve. No matter what you share, this person has done it better, faster, or more often. When someone one-ups you, it’s a reflection of their insecurity. They feel they are lacking in some way, and in order to feel important or worthy, they must up the ante to compete. For instance:

• After you share your new business venture, Bob adds, “First one, eh? I remember my first one. Now I’ve launched and exited six.”
• As soon as you mention your normal weekend activities, Cheryl name drops that she was having dinner with a millionaire.

One particularly frustrating aspect about one-uppers is that they don’t always do it consciously. But when they do, the conversation no longer becomes about connection but about comparison.

How to handle it:

First, refuse to feed the behavior. Don’t try to one-up their one-up, or it becomes a measuring contest that nobody wins. Second, redirect their attention to their real meaning. Ask an open-ended question like, “What was your favorite part?” or “What did you learn?” Getting them to reflect on the deeper meanings of what was important to them helps redirect them from the comparison game. And third, continue sharing your point or story before the interruption. You can calmly bring it back to you with, “For me, it was …”

At the end of the day, people who one-up you reveal whom you can share meaningful things with and whom you can’t. Keep this in mind to gauge and decide how much you want to share with them in the future.