5 Questions With Jefferson Fisher

This month we’re talking to Jefferson Fisher—a communication specialist and trial attorney, who focuses on transforming conversations. He is the author of The Next Conversation: Argue Less, Talk More and the accompanying workbook; a communication coach; and the host of The Jefferson Fisher Podcast.

Here are some of his tips on how to have more effective conversations.

What are some nonverbal cues people can use to show they are really interested?

First, make eye contact. No one wants to be in a conversation with someone whose eyes are scanning the room. Second, show a genuine reaction. Don’t try to force a reaction if it isn’t genuine, because people can tell the difference. For example, no one has to teach you what a fake laugh sounds like.

What are some tips for talking to someone you completely disagree with?

Go higher. We usually only focus on whether we agree with their point. Instead, go higher and focus on their perspective. Think macro, not micro. You can try using phrases like “I see things differently” or “I agree that’s a perspective.”

It’s tempting to want to “win” an argument, but how can we reframe that concept, in ourselves or others?

When I can feel the pull of wanting to win an argument, I often tell myself: There’s something here for me if I just listen. It helps get me into a mindset of having something to learn versus something to prove. If I hold onto the idea that there’s something for me in every little conversation, no matter how brief—something to add to my life, my perspective, my knowledge—better outcomes tend to happen.

What is a communication habit people can make to lessen conflict in a relationship?

If you’re having a disagreement, use the phrase, “I could have done that better” or “I could have said that better.” For one, it’s always true. We all can do better. Second, it’s a great way to show you want to remedy the situation without escalating an argument over who caused the rift.

What are some good tips for making small talk or striking up a conversation?

Ask, “Do you have anything you’re excited about coming up?” When you ask someone something like, “How was your weekend?” they usually feel what they did wasn’t exciting enough to share, which is why you may get back a vague “it was good” answer. But asking what they’re excited about or have coming up makes it easier to think of something and less intimidating to share freely.

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