Master Your Self-Talk

Your thoughts are incredibly powerful. They determine your habits and ultimately, the direction of your life.

As the American businessman Frank Outlaw famously said:

Watch your thoughts, for they become your words.

Watch your words, for they become your actions.

Watch your actions, for they become your habits.

Watch your habits, for they become your character.

Everything you do in life starts with a thought. Before you know it, those thoughts become the things you say and do. Soon, those actions become regular habits that will either help or hinder your well-being and success.

The great thing is, you have the power to direct your thoughts.

You may not be able to control the thoughts that spring up in your mind from time to time, but you can control what you expose yourself to, the words you absorb, and where you focus your thoughts.

Here are three practical steps to improve your self-talk, or as I like to call it, thought life:

1 Monitor Your Thoughts—Picture a Sieve

If you pay attention and monitor your thoughts, you will notice how external influences affect your emotional state. Everything you’re exposed to is a potential seed from which thoughts can grow. It’s vital you protect your thought life by filtering out the things you want to avoid.

Be selective about what you take in—the books and magazines you read, music you listen to, and programs you watch—and try to filter out the negative and unhelpful influences.

Even the conversations you engage in affect your thoughts. Research shows that you are the average of the five people that you spend the most time with. For instance, if you hang out with people who go to the gym, play badminton, or go hiking regularly, you’ll be more likely to do these activities too.

If you spend time with negative people, their words will seep into your thinking. Choose wisely and surround yourself with people who lift you up with interesting and inspiring conversations.

It may not be possible to avoid certain people altogether, of course, but you can control how much you allow them to affect you. When you start noticing the negative influences around you, you can decide how much weight you place on those words.

2 Feed Your Thoughts—Picture a Sponge

As well as filtering out and limiting the negative stimuli in your life, be intentional and feed your mind with positives. Your brain is like an incredible sponge, constantly soaking up everything around you. The problem is, if a sponge is sitting in a puddle of dirty water, it will be full of dirty water.

Instead, deliberately choose what you fill up your mind with. Maybe you want to plan time into your daily and weekly routines to read inspiring books or listen to informative podcasts or TED Talks. Perhaps you want to join a group that provides a supportive and positive atmosphere (hey, that’s Toastmasters!).

Imagine if you started every day with 20 minutes of learning time, soaking up new and positive information. Picture the positive ripple effect of that on your life.

3 Direct Your Thoughts—Picture a Remote Control

Understand that at any given moment you have the remote control to your thoughts in your hand. You can choose the thought channels you want to tune in to. Decide which ones to turn the volume up and down on. Be prepared to switch some channels off.

The best way to do this is to refocus your thinking. If you try not to think about something, you’ll only think about it more. Instead, switch your thinking over by focusing on what you’re grateful for right in this moment. Think about something you’re looking forward to or set a positive intention about how you want your day to be.

You can also interrupt unhelpful thoughts by being present in the moment. Become aware of how your body feels and pay attention to the sounds and sights around you to get grounded and get out of your own head.

Elevating Self-Talk

The person you spend the most time listening to is yourself. Your self-talk is the internal dialogue you have running through your mind throughout the day. It can set you up for success or leave you fearful and missing out on opportunities.

Often, we’ve held certain thoughts for so long we’re no longer aware they’re there, or how much they affect us. It’s common to fall into unhelpful thought patterns, using unkind words and making self-punishing statements like: “Stupid me,” “I can’t do it,” “I’m not good enough,” “They won’t like me,” or “I’ll never be good at this.”

These beliefs can cause you to doubt yourself and rob you of confidence. Damaging self-talk is like listening to a negative audio recording playing over and over in your mind. Even when those statements aren’t true, by thinking them, they can become self-fulfilling prophecies because they inhibit your actions.

If you find you’re berating yourself, it’s vital you interrupt your thoughts, hit the eject button, and re-record over that negative self-talk with true positive statements. Start watching for your most harmful thoughts. When you start really paying attention to what's going on in your mind, you can more quickly identify negative ones, and flip them. For example:

“Stupid me” becomes “I’m learning more every day.”

“I’m not good enough” becomes “I am enough, just as I am.”

“I’ll never be good at this” becomes “I’m getting better every time I practice.”

Take a moment and jot down your most common limiting self-talk. Look at what you’ve written, then choose some statements to replace the old messages. Affirm these to yourself on a regular basis. Look in a mirror and remind yourself of the new truths in the present tense, to replace the old lies.

I am capable. I can do this. It will work. I am strong.

Dealing With Self-Doubt

Often the most capable people doubt their own abilities, yet they often think they must be the only ones to feel that way. This is called impostor syndrome and it’s incredibly common with both men and women, especially among high achievers.

Those who suffer from impostor syndrome minimize their successes and focus on their failures. They tend to feel like a fraud, as if only luck has gotten them to where they are—rather than their own talents and abilities—and fear they might be “found out” and exposed at any moment.

 

For some of us, Imposter Syndrome is an obstacle that gets in the way of being an effective leader. In this episode, Greg and Ryan speak with Dr. Valerie Young who helps demystify this topic to loosen the grip this phenomenon can have on us.

To combat this feeling and reset your self-talk, look for evidence around you of your significance, worth, and skills. You can do this by paying attention to small successes, and rather than discounting their value, record them in some way.

Build up a bank of evidence, whether it’s keeping a success journal, writing down feedback you receive, making a list of things you’re good at, or setting up positive feedback loops.

For example, whenever I get an email out of the blue from a client telling me how something I’ve shared has changed their life, I copy and paste the text and save it into a word document labeled “Spontaneous Feedback.” On days when I doubt myself, I open that document and read their words. It reminds me of the impact I’ve had and the value of what I’m doing.

Take time to reflect on your successes and celebrate your achievements. Always remember that your results don’t define you. You are not your results.

Some days you’ll produce a great result, some days you won’t. Either way, you’re still you. Not perfect … but perfectly okay in your imperfection.

Your self-worth doesn’t need to fluctuate based on results. The great thing about self-talk is the more proactive you are in cultivating supportive thinking habits, and replacing old thought patterns with the truth, the more positives and successes you’ll notice, perpetuating the positive cycle.

Once you learn to monitor and lead your thoughts, you can interrupt damaging thinking patterns and replace them with thoughts, words, and actions that support you. You’ll find that you will be much calmer, more relaxed, and able to enjoy more success and happiness in life.

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